The Hard-Bodied Progeny of P.T. Barnum.

Love him or loathe him, legendary showman P.T. Barnum was a singular character in American history. He tapped into two notions deeply embedded in our cultural mythology; the entrepreneurial spirit and the desire to bamboozle people out of their money.

Today's hucksters go by a different name: "influencers." And perhaps no other industry is as rife with influencers as the fitness industry. No credentials or expertise are necessary. Just a a few shirtless selfies will suffice. Although the snake oil has been repurposed for the viral age, the end goal is the same.

But the hucksters of yesteryear couldn't go viral on the cheap. So, they had to go big. No gingerly walking over the "willing suspension of disbelief" for them. Nope. They asked you to blow the whole bridge up, exposing the yawning chasm between fantasy and reality. It looks impossible. It sounds impossible! But it works! All you have to do is believe! And the best part? It's FREE!*

*Well...almost. Just $19.99, while supplies last. And they're limited. Just call the number at the bottom of your screen. Operators are standing by.

So, without further ado, I give you the five biggest fitness frauds in history.*

Number Five: The Vibrating Machine.

Jiggling your fat away is a common theme amongst the fitness fraudsters. And why not? There's an undeniable "frisson" in seeing your fat getting jiggled. This one had a lot going for it, starting with a vaguely "space-age" aura that felt like it was right out of the "Jetsons." And, since there was very little sweating involved, you could enjoy it while being elegantly coiffed.

Evidently, an early version of the machine was also touted as a fat reduction mechanism by John Harvey Kellogg, who also gave us Corn Flakes, vibrating chairs, and electric shock therapy for the sinuses.

Number Four: The Body Blade

Described as utilizing "rapid contraction technology through vibration and inertia" the physical therapist who invented it claims that the blade will "oscillate 270 times per minute to tone, sculpt, and transform the shape of your body."

Guess what? It won't!

I do, however, like the Body Blade commercial, where people are engaged in intense exercises (kneeling on a stability ball, lunges) while holding onto this giant flopping steel bar. The look on their faces is comical. ("I hope I don't look as ridiculous as I feel....")

Number Three: Squat Magic.

Of all the people on this list, this pitch woman is the worthiest heir to PT Barnum. While she's not urging people to plunk down money to see the "amazing conjoined twins," she is hawking “a sculpted booty, thin inner thighs, gorgeous arms and a tiny waistline," — all courtesy of a device that looks like a spring-loaded phallus.  

It’s hard to encapsulate the sheer exuberance of the “Squat Magic’s” video promotion. It’s a mash-up of Eighties glam, drag camp, and drill sergeant. As a bonus, everything single thing in the video is color coordinated. Grey and orange. Down to her shoelaces (orange) shoes (grey) and the "Squat Magic" itself (grey and orange.)

Woe to the individual that’s competing with her for a job as a group exercise instructor. With every contraction of the “Squat Magic” the presenter exhorts her audience to ''feel it in your booty!!!! Are you FEELING IT?....Because I am! ALL DAY LOOOONG!”

I highly doubt the Squat Magic will result in any of the benefits touted by the pitch woman. But the commercial is absolutely exhilarating. I broke a sweat just watching it.

Number Four: Vision-Dieter Glasses.

Some cultural artifacts of the 1970s have retained their kitschy appeal: bell bottoms. Eight track tapes. The Rockford Files. Pablo Cruise.

And then there's the "Vision-Dieter" glasses, which operated under the premise that if your food looked weird and discolored, you wouldn't want to eat it.

The maker of the glasses claimed that the shades would make people oblivious to junk food because they couldn't see the brightly colored packaging and through the miraculous "European color technology" (one lens was blue and the other brown) that caused mental confusion and appetite loss. No scientific studies backed up this claim.

I actually think these look pretty cool. I've tried finding some on eBay for over a year, without any luck.

Number One: The Abdominizer.

This is it. The apex of fitness frauds. Or perhaps the nadir.

It had everything you could possibly ask for in a fraud. It was doctor recommended. Priced at the ridiculously low rate of $19.95! (While supplies lasted.) Thirty day money-back guarantee! (Less shipping and handling.) And, above all...Charlene Tilton post-Dallas fame, demonstrating its efficacy on that cultural touchstone "Married ...With Children."

Everything about it screamed 1989.

The commercial touted the "unique rocking mechanism" that would leads to a firmer stomach. But...that's not all! (Of course it wasn't. This was the Eighties.) "The slight side-to-side action works your lateral obliques to shape up those love handles that nobody wants!"

Now, a nitpicker would point out that the obliques are inherently lateral (they're on the side of your body) but when a totally wild-eyed fitness instructor with a Eighties Glam Fro and Picasso-inspired leotard tells you these work, well...who am I to argue?

Not to mention they sold six million units.

Somewhere, P.T. Barnum is smiling.

* Some people might wonder why the "Thighmaster" didn't make the list. The reason is simple: "Three's Company" was a big part of my childhood. I just couldn't bear to put Suzanne Somers on this list.

Joshua Brandt is an Oakland based personal trainer. He can be reached at joshua@joshuabrandtpt.com or (415) 412-7339. 

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